Texts from Little Women by Mallory Ortberg

You can find the original here.

(credit: mdailycomics @tumblr)

Texts

MEG 
MEG 
MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS 
WHAT’S ALL THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED
tell me it’s a wretched lie 
Jo I don’t know how many more times we have to have this conversation
I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must
but yes
I am still marrying John tomorrow
OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD
just like I was planning to yesterday
this is unbearable
and also last month
answer me this, then
who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy
when we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this summer?
I wrote that part for YOU 
wrote it beautifully in fact
I don’t know, darling
she gets a cracking scene with the villain Rodrigo where he tries to poison her 
and she screams and faints and everything 
I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo in The Pilgrim’s Progress
THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG
I’m very sorry
this production will be ruined 
why don’t you ask Amy?
i’m not even going to dignify that with a response 

You still have three hours to change your mind 
we could run away and be pirates 
or just wear bloomers
but I love him, Jo
uuuuugh 
I can’t even understand you when you get hysterical like this
I love him and I want to marry him — that’s all
you’re just ranting now 
it’s pure gibberish
we’ll be living just down the road, honestly
it’ll be like i never left at all
does he have a horse?
is that what this is about? 
does he have a sword gun or a railroad 
or a 
a nice hat or something?
no, that’s not what this is about
I hope you realize you’re breaking up the family 
I really wish you wouldn’t see things that way
a broken home 
that’s what I come from now 
a broken home
that’s not what they call it when your sister gets married
then why does it feel broken, Meg
why does it feel broken
this is the worst thing 
that has ever happened 
to anyone 
since Father died 
Father didn’t die, Jo!
he’s only been wounded!
oh 
didn’t he? 
for some reason I thought he’d died 
no
he’ll be home in a few weeks
Ah
do you suppose he’s going to want his old greatcoat 
and riding boots 
and shaving things 
and top hat
when he gets back? 
I expect that he will
HANG EVERYTHING 

LAURIE 
I despise everything
did you know she wouldn’t even let me have any fireworks at her wedding 
I didn’t know that
not a single solitary firework 
nor a footrace either 
she wouldn’t even let me challenge the groomsmen to a feat of strength 
well I’m afraid that’s fairly customary
not to have the maid of honor wrestling the wedding party, I mean
THEN I’M NEVER GETTING MARRIED 
all right
imagine having to get married without even one little roman candle 
i won’t do it you know 
all right, Jo
i’ll kill myself and all of you 
but i won’t live in that world

amy?
yes?
amy im dying tonight
oh no
yes im definitely dying 
oh its terrible how much im dying just now
but
what exactly
what are you dying of
this sewing needle 
it’s so very heavy 
well
put it down
the window — it’s so — so bright
the window is killing you?
it’s so terribly full of glass
I see
theres just glass all over it
i don’t know how you stand it
oh I manage
i dont think ill make it through the night
well I’ll be here if you need me
and to think i once stepped outside the house 
to stand in the sun 
yes, I remember that day
what a strong and foolhardy girl i was then 

dear Laurie - 
dearest Laurie - 
surely at this point you know 
i can’t possibly marry you 
i’m so sorry 
please try to forgive me 
Jo
of course I’ll respect your wishes
but why?
there’s no one who knows you better
i know that  
we have such fun together
we do!
and you’re dear to me
and jolly
and clever
cleverer than me anyhow
and I -
I do love you
most awfully, Jo
Laurie, I can’t 
please don’t ask me again 
I can’t help but ask
and I can’t give you any answer but no 
all right
all right

Oh Meg, darling
it’s all over 
Beth is with Father now 
Jo, Father still isn’t dead
really?
I saw him not four hours ago
could have sworn he died at sea
or somewhere

Jo, I’m sorry about what I said the other day
I know how you feel about marriage
and — and everything
Oh, Laurie
that’s all right
you’ll never marry anyone
your writing is too important — that comes first
oh
I do admire you for that, really I do
you’re going to do tremendous things
that’s awfully kind of you to say
and I count myself lucky to know you
I do, Jo
we’ll be old bachelors together
you and I
well 
ah
the thing is, chum
running a cattle ranch
somewhere out West
turns out I am going to be married after all 
I’ve met someone, I mean 
please understand I never intended to -
he’s the most wonderful man 
very old 
much older than me 
oh
he’s German - 
very German - 
so German it’s hard to understand him at first when he speaks
and you’re going to marry
him
with yourself
you’re going to be marrying him yourself I mean
his mustache is enormous
bushy and gray and covered in crumbs 
all of him is covered in crumbs 
he’s filthy haha
well that’s just
oh and he just hates my writing 
criticizes my work unceasingly 
I see
i really cannot overemphasize 
how much he disapproves of my voice as a writer 
wants me to change everything about it
well
how can I compete with that
exactly
please don’t blame yourself 

If Jane Eyre were to text…

So courtesy of Celine Kiernen (who wrote the Moorehawke trilogy that you should read) I came across this awesome article written by Mallory Ortbag at The Hairpin. Click the link for more great articles by Mallory. Anyway, this one is too funny to not share. So enjoy!

JANE
MY LITTLE SUNBEAM
WHERE ARE YOU
I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE
I’m taking a walk
be back for dinner
AH YES MY CAGED SPRITE
COMMUNE WITH NATURE AND UPON YOUR RETURN
RELATE TO ME THE VAGRANT GLORIES OF THE  RUINED WOODS
do you really want me to describe my walk to you
MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU POCKET WITCH
it is fairly cloudy out
looks like rain soon
AHHH TO THINK THAT MY LITTLE STARLING JANE
SHOULD RETURN
TO PERCH ON MY BROKEN MALFORMED SHOULDER
SINGING A SONG OF THE GREY AND WRACKING SKIES
MAKES MY HEART SWELL TO BURST
all right

JANE
JANE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN THOUSAND PEARLS AS A BRIDAL PRESENT
where on earth would I wear that
YOU COULD WEAR IT ON THE MOON
that seems impractical
how would i even breathe on the moon?
I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE

JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT AND WITHOUT MY JANE I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY
i am  with my cousins
WHICH COUSIN
IS IT THE SEXY ONE
Please don’t try to talk to me again
IT IS YOUR SEXY COUSIN
“ST. JOHN”
WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN
I’m not going to answer that
I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT
yes
absolutely
BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON’T CROSS ME
HAHA I’M ONLY JOKING

I hope you’re packed for India already
I’m not going to India with you, St. John
That’s not what these TWO TICKETS TO INDIA say
You know I don’t want to marry you
Why don’t you marry Rosamond instead? 
Take her with you
Marry her?
MARRY HER?
Don’t be ridiculous, I’m attracted to her
That’s disgusting
You are disgusting, Jane

So you’re really not coming then
I’m really not
I would be an amazing husband
you know that?
I know
I taught you Hindi and everything
That’s basically the same as getting engaged
for missionaries
And I really appreciate that
It will be terribly useful in my career as an English governess
See? That. There.
that is exactly the kind of tone I mean
One round of cholera in the tropics would sear that sarcasm right out of you
guess I really missed out
Guess so

Medieval Help Desk

One of my profs sent this to us and I thought I should do everyone a favor and share. What happens when a Monk is introduced to the high technological gadgetry that books are.

This is so true, it made me laugh. :\

A Question of Romance, aka What Not To Do When Writing Romance in YA Novels

Dearest Reader,

Previously I gave you the recipe for Insta-Love and I am sure most of you enjoyed that particular flavor of love. Today, I bring to you a lucid commentary on romance found in YA novels. Or, more accurately, how to write a romance that doesn’t send most of your readers into convulsions that result from overdosing on cheese.

1. What is Love?

It’s a YA novel, I get it. You will not be indulging in a deep analysis of love and what it entails. But it would be nice if it was given a definition beyond the “he makes my knees go jelloid, you know the feeling you get when you have been running for a long time? And you can’t feel your knees anymore? Yeah, that.”  Personally, I think the word should not be used at all. Its overuse has caused it to be come trite and meaningless. Maybe I’m just cynical. But think of how interesting it would be to portray that feeling without using the word for it. It’s a challenge and every writer loves challenges, right?

2. The Love Interests

This is actually a personal peeve and I don’t know if other people share my supreme abhorrence for Darcy-like love interests. You know, the kind who never says a straight word to you? The kind who will skewer you through with poison edged words designed to leave you whimpering in your pillows all through the night? Know the kind? And yet, for some reason, the main character will be drawn to his/her destruction and it is like watching a moth fly toward a flame. And not doing anything about it.

C’est la vie, moth.

But there’s another kind of love interest making his presence known in the world of YA literature: the stalkery kind. The scary, jumps-out-at-you-from-the-shadows kind. Do I disapprove of them? Do I think they perpetuate rape culture? Are we shaping the minds of impressionable girls in a manner that allows them to be victims of discrimination amongst other things? I don’t know. But I do know that these questions would benefit from a dialogue.

3. For the Love of All That’s Delicious, Don’t Use  the Term “Soul mate” aka Mush is Evil.

I get it, okay? You are in love. It’s intense. It’s passionate. But the second you use the word “soul mate” to describe each other, your “love” is going to lose all its credibility and gain all the depth reserved for the puppy love most commonly seen in Romeo and Juliet. Just avoid the cheese. Step away from it with your hands in the air and the moment you find yourself falling back into mush, abort the sentence and DELETE IT.

Mush is evil. Mush will take your brain and feed it to pink aliens who look suspiciously like last year’s thanksgiving turkey. The one you had extra helpings of. Revenge of the Turkey.

The challenge when writing a sappy scene is to evoke the sappiness without utilizing  cliches and sentimentality. I give you these images that say so much without saying much.

The more subtle the romance, the louder the feelings portrayed will speak. Or so I believe.

4. Melodrama is not Attractive.

So the main character had her heart broken to smithereens. Now she has her heart protected. Like this:

How she handles her heartbreak is very revealing of the type of person your main character is. There are often times when the use of melodrama and pathos in a novel has the opposite of the intended effect. At least in yours truly. Telling me that she is sad, that she is crying herself a new version of the Pacific Ocean is not going to get my sympathy. The strength of a heartbreak lies in the poetry of it; that wordless pain that characterizes a lost love is poetry of the most poignant kind. I think that a girl who has been dumped needs to hold on to her dignity like it’s the cookie in the world and she’s very hungry. She needs to walk away. Or, if she’s the one in a fight, she needs to be sane. Overreacting is not attractive. It is almost as unattractive as melodrama.

Personally, I would love to read scenes like this:

But that’s just me.

5. Can We Stop With the Love Triangles Already?

Seriously? Can we move on from that particular technique to make girls look desirable and give them confidence and an attitude to seal the deal instead? Love triangles were interesting. In maybe the first two books I read that contained them. But it seems that every book in the YA genre recently has a love triangle thrown in. I understand that it’s sort of irresistible but a girl who waffles between two boys is not going to win any points from me.

I totally empathize with it being too difficult to choose between two hot guys. I do. Honest. But if she’s going to be smooching Guy One one moment and then proselytizing her love for Guy Two in the next, I’m going to have less than nice opinions about her. Having a red bottom and all might sound funny in theory but when you add a sachet of true “insta-love” to the mix, it has all the makings of bad melodrama. And we already determined that melodrama should be avoided unless it is in a Hindi/Korean TV drama series.

Image credits:

http://ceres86.deviantart.com/

http://bunnis.deviantart.com/

http://hendro.deviantart.com/

http://faylinn.deviantart.com/

http://justynastolyhwo.deviantart.com/

http://modemaryman.deviantart.com/

http://alephunky.deviantart.com/

http://alephunky.deviantart.com/

http://wickednox.deviantart.com/

http://shinichi23.deviantart.com/

So I Really Shouldn’t But I Couldn’t Resist Post

I came across this on one of my internet journeys. And since it afforded me a good chuckle or two (and especially since the Harry Potter movie is set to release soon!!!) I feel like I’m duty bound to share it with you guys.

A Recipe For Insta-Love

There have been demands, threats and lots of whining so finally, I give you the recipe that has been coveted by all and sundry. Get out your pens and start writing (or you could just, I don’t know, bookmark the page, hoho).

Insta-Love

Ingredients:

Boy. Needs to be hot. Emotional. Dramatic. Needs to have some super-scary-awesome-sparkly secret. Would be nice if he was tortured.

Girl. There is slightly more give where the girl is concerned. But one thing is for sure. She must, without fail, have issues with her appearance, have just one friend, be emotional. Also, she probably won’t get along with her parents: mommy or daddy issues are a must. She yearns for true love. Even if she’s just 15. She also has a strange power slumbering in the depths of her consciousness.

Nice Guy. This guy is Girl’s best friend/neighbor/boy she takes for granted. He has loved her silently for a million years. He is hot, very hot, but not as hot as Boy who is SupremeHot. He is always looking out for Girl whether she wants him to or not. Nice Guy is very nice. You will find him on the football field being the quarterback or on the basketball court being um, whatever the main position is. The point is, everyone but Girl knows that he is awesomesauce. Girl has no compunction against using him to soothe her ego, hold her hand, quieten her pain when things are tough with Boy. Nice Guy always (always!) gets his heart broken.

Mean Girl. Warning: not actual picture. This is what she looks on the inside. Mean Girl is always rich. Or rather, she has rich parents. She wears designer clothes and her fashion sense is always (much) better than Girl’s. She also travels in a group of three. The two other girls are inconsequential and are pale derivatives of Mean Girl. For some reason or the other, Mean Girl has nothing else to do in her life except taunt and torment Girl. Sometimes Mean Girl and Boy are in a Hot and Steamy relationship before Girl shows up to ruin everything. Mean Girl could give anyone nightmares but is, usually, defeated by the might (and colossal kindness) of Girl.

Classroom. This is the holy place where Girl and Boy first meet. It can either be an English class though research has shown that most of the times, true love has a preference for science classes such as Chemistry or Biology. Girl and Boy will sit next to each other or in a row. Their eyes will meet and there will be a connection of some grand sort. Sparks will fly but no one else will notice the aligning of fates and stars as they will be too busy listening to the teacher.

——————————————-

When you have these ingredients together, put them in one container and shake vigorously. Because these are very flammable items and change states of existence fairly quickly, there will be some by-products. Which are:

Angst. This is very bad. But don’t worry, it usually never goes through. Or maybe Boy will disappear for a long while. But he always comes back. Always.

Boy tends to lie a lot about forever. Which to him is like two weeks. This hurts Girl’s heart a lot.

Which leads to heartbreak of the worst kind. Girl sometimes floats off the floor because her feelings are so shattered.

———————————————-

But don’t worry. Things eventually work out. The evil witch is destroyed. And you always get the truest insta-love ever. Ever:

Photo Credits:

Classroom: http://vantasyartz.deviantart.com/
Nice Guy: http://fantasy-flower.deviantart.com/
Goodbye: http://saccharinesmile.deviantart.com/
heartbreak: http://solus-christus.deviantart.com/
Chibi heartbreak: http://shecro.deviantart.com/
Love: http://amazingellie.deviantart.com/
Boy: http://d-ice07.deviantart.com/
Girl: http://ironicuncreativity.deviantart.com/

Everybody Needs a Laugh.

In Lieu (Hey Kettle!) of an IMM/Checked Out this Week!

I present to you pictures of my TBR pile. Exciting, I know. And one picture of two of my bookshelves. They’re pretty full. I spent the entire day writing this impossible paper so I’m a bit stuck for words…and for some reason I have Britney’s “I’mmma slaaaaaveeee for you” in my head. Anyway. Pictures. Yes.

My To-Be-Read Pile. And I suspect it will grow before the official arrival of summer. I'm esscited!

 

The first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning. Heh.

The Curse of the Ever Growing To-Read Lists (or things that annoy me written on the (wrong side of 12 am))

So over at Goodreads, my wish list has 644 books on it. No matter how many books I read, it refuses to budge from that number and hovers sometimes (to my horror) near the 700 mark before I drag it down.

Then I realized, as I went book-adding-crazy that after a while all the books start to seem the same.

Dystopia? Well yeah, everyone and their mother is writing one now. I am tired of it. Tired enough that I can make the honest claim that I will not be reading one any time soon. In fact, it doesn’t make me go “oooohhh!” any more but “ergh, here’s another one.”

It’s just…I wish they’d stop it and move on to something else. I really hate it when people jump onto the bandwagon, ride coattails (or attempt to). Yeah okay, The Hunger Games was seriously awesome. It carved its niche out and it will remain there, ready to stun future generations (or not, if the dystopian society has already been realized) but can we please move on to butterflies and evil clowns now? Please?

All the pretty girls in pretty dresses looking pretty and intensely at the camera. Those covers. As beautiful as they are, as gorgeous as the girls and the covers are, I’d like to move on to something different now. Or maybe, we could just have some people keep it the same and others being different. Okay, fact, one thing that annoys me more than most is when the same picture is used in various covers of novels in the same genre. I’m talking about the novel Ivy (that I reviewed) and Tantalize. Same model, same picture – it gets boring. And okay, what the heck is wrong with the people who created the cover for Passion by Lauren Kate?

This cover? Look at it. It’s hideous. Hideous. They have photoshopped it so much that they have mutated the model beyond recognition. Plus, I read in the comments that the person from whom the picture was ganked (some Deviantart artist) and the model had no idea about it. I’m not sure if they are credited or not but if not, why not? And can someone please tell the people over at Delacorte Books that this cover is hideous and should be sent to the archive of covers too hideous to see the light of day? Her face and her arms do not match. The colours are wonky and is that a rose she’s holding? Seriously? Do you really want to get that cliched? The other two covers were so awesome.

What happened?

Whatever did, I will not be buying this book. I have the other two and I would have liked to get the third one to add it to my collection but no. I refuse. Unless they have a different cover in the UK and I can order from there. Blergh.

What else do I have to rant about?

Ah yes. Hype.

I can understand marketing. Heck, I appreciate it because it allows me to ascertain whether I really want to read the book or not. However, when the hype for a book is excessive, I am repelled instead of attracted. Especially when I have read the book in question and know for a fact that the amount of squee being generated is really not worth it. Books that are excessively hyped about tend to made their way down my reading list. Books that no one talks about and I feel confident that it presents a mystery, I am more willing to read.

Cheese in novels. Maybe it’s because I’m a lit major and it’s what I do. Critique novels. Read between the lines. Maybe that has spoiled for me reading purely for entertainment without this English-accented voice in my head running a commentary. For instance, I was reading Beastly and my head and I, we had the following conversation:

For clarity’s sake, “Conscience” is the English-accented voice:

Connie (Conscience): *gagging* I can’t breathe!
Nafiza: Shut up, I’m trying to read.
Connie: *clutches figurative bosom* The cheese is killing!
Nafiza: …
Connie: Did you read what he just said? Does he realize how idiotic and sappy he sounds? Who talks like that? He’s a modern day teenager. Are we supposed to believe he is channeling some sort of medieval prince. “My love?” Honestly????
Nafiza: Chill out, Cons, it’s just a book.
Connie: *screeching* JUST A BOOK?? I’ll have you know, you wench, that this is not just a book. Do you know the power of words? *gets distracted* This is ridiculous. Why don’t they just admit they know the Disney story? They know how it’s going to end. And excuse me? Doesn’t this book take away from Beauty and the Beast the one thing that made it different?
Nafiza: And what’s that?
Connie: It’s Beauty who is supposed to save the Beast. Do you see Beauty doing any saving? Oh no, some guy is attacking her and she’s yelling out to the night air, “Oh Adrian, saaaaveee me,” in the hopes that Adrian is doing his creeper thing with the mirror (at least Edward only terrorized Bella) and guess what, she’s right! He is! And so he saves her. And you know what else? She doesn’t do anything to save herself. She basically has no personality. PLUS he sniffed the clothes she wore. CREEPY.
Nafiza: It’s called being romantic, Connie. You clearly don’t know your YA romance.
Connie: I certainly don’t want to  know it. Good night!

She amuses me. Connie does.