Yes, this is a repost but it’s still funny! (I think so anyway.)
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me. I’m just using them to amuse myself. I mean no harm by this and it’s all for fun. That said, let’s continue!
Location: Nafiza’s Brain
Event: A Party
Guest List: Male Characters of Various (relatively) Popular YA Novels (mostly).
Imagine, if you will, a dark night (well, nights have the tendency to be dark but we’ll pretend it’s darker than usual) and on a hill, there’s a mansion (mansions, by personal choice, love to be on hills) brightly lit. At this moment, my fair reader, if you will follow me, we will glide (sylphlike) through silent corridors dimly lit by lanterns in sconces at intervals on the wall (that is a strange sentence but please indulge me). There’s a door at the end of the corridor, slightly ajar and from there come sounds of deep (and delicious) voices, frequent laughter, the sound of glasses tapping each other as though in some toast. If you will follow me in my stalking and peer into the room, you will see some very interesting things – er, persons.
There’s Peeta, smiling and beautiful, sitting in a group that consists of people hardly ever (read: never) seen together. A sparkly creature is the only one who sits a bit detached from the group, his face tight with disapproval at the other boys. Iain Morrow lounges with careless grace in one of the chairs, his eyes alight as he describes something apparently very amusing. Jacob leans forward, paying close attention to the anecdote while Christophe smirks. Graves, it seems, cannot decide whether to listen to Iain’s story or glare at Christophe but finally decides to go with the story. Jace is sitting in front of the television set, playing some complex game. The last two additions to the group are Will and Patch, the latter inclining on a chaise while the former leans against the wall.
If you listen carefully, you will hear their conversation (for purposes of clarity, the following excerpt will be presented as dialogue.)
Iain, who hails from The Eternal Ones, in case you have forgotten, is in the midst of saying… “That’s what I’m saying, dudes, to get the girl, you gotta keep her in the dark, lie to her every now and then. Only cuz you love her so damned much, you know? You know how girls are. Thinking they can save the world. If you tell them everything, they will end up trying to save the world. And then you’ll have to save them again.”
“ Ah, correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you the one who gets saved?” Peeta asks with a sweet smile.
Iain rolls his eyes, “Dude, I had to PRETEND to DIE!”
Christophe snorts at Iain’s theatrics. “I don’t know why you are being so dramatic. You would have just been reborn.”
Graves sneers at the other man. “So says the immortal man.”
“Wait, aren’t werewolves long lived too?” Jacob asks, looking around at his compadres.
There is a brief lull in the conversation as each man considers the question.
“Ask the angel.” Iain suggests, his voice catching on “angel” and insinuating a mass of meanings into the word – none of them flattering.
Patch glowers at them but remains silent.
“Ah well, immortality is nothing without the woman of your dreams.” Peeta offers.
“You’re going to make me gag, you know that right?” Patch breaks his silence finally.
“What’s wrong with being in super-blind love?” Will, from FireLight, demands.
The guys exchange glances.
“Anyways,” Iain, the smooth talker of the gathering, “why is your…er…rival? Friend? Father in law to be? Sitting apart?”
Jacob glances at the sparkly person in the corner. It’s a quick, hesitant look, chockfull of meanings and confusion.
“That is so creepy dude,” Will pipes in. “I mean, how can you go from lusting after the girl to loving a little baby? That’s…actually very wrong.” He shakes his head.
“As if you can talk!” Jacob defends himself hotly. “At least I didn’t snack on any of Bella’s family!”
It’s Will’s turn to flush and he does go a very interesting shade of red.
“Actually,” Graves interrupts them, “my friend” suggesting that the man was anything but, “here is probably the creepiest one of us all.”
“Are you talking about me?” Christophe asks in a voice that says he had better not be.
“This guy…liked the mom…actually, Jacob, I think you might have a lot more in common with Christophe than you thought.” Graves starts laughing at his own wit.
“Yeah? Well, how about sneaking into a girl’s room and watching her sleep like a stalker?!” Jacob throws out.
“Oh no,” Iain shakes his head. “I think Patch has got the SparkleMan beat in the stalking department. Cuz dude, I am a man and I was seriously creeped out by his creeper ways.”
The guys snickered.
“Actually,” Jace puts away the game controllers and turns to the conversation for the first time, “I think I might have you all beat in the creepiness – okay no, Patch, man? You’re just disturbed. No wonder you got fired from heaven.”
“Says the man who lusted after his sister.” Patch drawls, rolling his eyes.
“We sorted out that problem, okay?” Jace says mildly. Then he takes a look at the sparkly dude in the corner, “What’s his beef?”
“He doesn’t approve of us not marrying our girls and getting them impregnated and er…mothers by the end of the fourth book.” Christophe says.
“Excuse me?” Graves looks offended. “Our girls?”
“What?” Christophe gives Graves a smug look. “You don’t actually think you have a chance?”
“Why you!” Graves lunges but Jacob grabs him before there’s any contact.
“Chill man. It’s a party.”
“Yeah. And my series is still ongoing, mind you.” Will says. “If I can get her back from that weird Dragon Dude. Honestly, could I not have a single super power to help me out?” He’s a bit mournful.
“I have a baby. Two babies.” Peeta offers with a smile.
“Gah. Your love story makes my teeth rot! You know that?” Iain gives him the evil eye.
Jace studies the mellow Peeta and frowns. “You are an anomaly. The nice guy is never supposed to get the girl.”
“Which is why I’m superior. And I didn’t have to lust after my sister or fall for a little baby OR stalk a girl out of her wits. I didn’t even snack on her family.” Peeta smiles beatifically.
All the other guys look at him with not a tiny amount of dislike.
“You got off pretty easily, didn’t you?” Patch asks a bit enviously.
Peeta winces. “Are you kidding me? You try loving Katniss! It’s like hitting your head against a concrete wall. Repeatedly.”
The guys’ expressions clear and fade into sympathy once again.
“What I want to know,” Jacob suddenly asks, “is why do the werewolves never get the girl?”
“You should ask Laurell K Hamilton.” Jace wanders to the buffet and starts piling his plate with food.
“Who?” Graves looks interested.
“She started it.” Jace munches on a shrimp.
“I should have words with her.” Graves mutters darkly.
“We’re just better lovers.” Christophe gets up and stretches.
“Those are fighting words!” Graves jumps up.
That does it. Soon, individual voices can barely be heard for the cacophony that is what the conversation has disintegrated into.