Humour · I Haz Lulz · Satire

How to Be a Werewolf

The following should be of great help to you in your journey to be a werewolf.

1. The first thing to do is become a werewolf. There are many ways you can do this but I know of only two.
a. Be born a werewolf. If your parents are werewolves, then there’s a great chance you are one too. Unless, you are not. In which case, you may have to find the other guaranteed way. Which is:
b. Get bitten by a werewolf. This may be painful and fatal but in your quest to become furry, some risks are necessary. I recommend hanging out in forests during full moon and maybe carrying raw meat to attract werewolves. One disadvantage to this is that you may attract other beasts who are not werewolves but as I said, some risks are necessary. Now before you get bitten, you may want to ensure that the biter is a werewolf and not something else.



2. Once you have been bitten, you will probably need to go to the doctor just in case the werewolf you were bitten by had a disease or something. In most cases, you will not realize your werewolf-iness until the next full moon at which time you will start growing hair in places you previously didn’t have hair and start craving (often bloody and frequently still alive) meat. On the night of the full moon, you will be in agonizing pain for some time while your bones shift and break and your body mass is realigned until you become a werewolf.

It’s usually not pretty so try to avoid mirrors.

3. The next thing you’ll need to do is find some furry friends. Find your people. Go look for a pack you can join. Warning: This can get complicated as there will be several Alpha issues if you are a boy and um, other issues if you are a girl. We’ll get to that later. Just know that it is in every YA werewolf novel that you need to find a pack to belong to otherwise you’ll be called a rogue werewolf and you don’t want to know what they do to rogue werewolves (not very good things.)

If you are a girl werewolf, the male werewolves may try to “claim” you as female werewolves are very rare, like chocolate truffles in my house. You may have to beat them back with a stick or hire some guards. Or if your dad’s the alpha werewolf, he can order the male werewolves to leave you alone. They can do things like that. In case your dad is not the alpha, you may want to carry around a vampire. They are dangerous to werewolves.

4. Once you are done challenging the Alpha for his position (and haven’t died in the process) (if you are a girl, you may end up becoming the mate of the alpha as I have yet to come across a female alpha but then again, I haven’t read Andrea Cremer’s werewolf series so…), you can think about romance. If you are a boy werewolf, you should know that the human girl you love will never love you as she prefers the vampire who is your own mortal enemy (on the bright side, you can totally imprint on the vampire baby she has with the vampire). If you are a girl werewolf, go on to number five.

5. Female werewolves sometimes end up denying themselves their nature in order to be with the humans they are so much in love with. Usually though, they are “mated” to another werewolf, a bigger, stronger (usually the alpha) against their will and then you, for tradition’s sake, will have to fight against the “magnetic” attraction you have to the stronger bigger alpha werewolf until he saves your life and you can concede to his awesomesauciness and live happily ever after.

Warning: Ever after is usually not that long for a werewolf. Perhaps two to three weeks maybe. Werewolves tend to die a lot. Hunters with silver bullets, vampires with garlic breath or challengers for the alpha position all present danger to your life as a werewolf. Also beware scientists with sharp needles. They often want both your body and your soul and not in a romantic way.

We hope you enjoy your transformation and your (perhaps short) furry life.


6 thoughts on “How to Be a Werewolf

  1. Pingback: Black 'n Write
  2. Eep this is so cute! ^_^ I’m a huge fan of Cyanide & Happiness. All the inappropriate and morbid things they come up with are perfect for my sense of humor.

    There totally need to be more alpha female shifters. I’m getting tired of all these male-dominated packs.


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