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A Ramble

I’m feeling slightly human right now and this feeling moves me to blog, a personal somewhat incoherent ramble, about life, reading, and that’s it. I’m not even going to talk about writing right now because I’m not feeling that human. I’m also eating extra-strong Cepacol which numbs my tongue which in turn angers me. I have learned that I do not like numb tongues.

I ate a sleeping pill the other day because insomnia is an unfortunate fact of my life now, and I remember being utterly terrified that I would not be able able to wake up. I needn’t have worried; the pill put me to sleep for exactly one hour. I have extra-strength insomnia it seems.

This Ramadan has been a test. It is difficult and there are many moments that I’m convinced I cannot go on. And my body failed me by getting ill. I still have a learn and miles to go before I can call myself a good Muslim but this Ramadan I learned the landscape of hunger and thirst very well. I became intimately acquainted with the desperation that accompanies hunger; the depths a person will go to to absolve herself from this feeling of emptiness that pervades the very essence of a person. I am fortunate for I know that at the end of the day I will open my fast there will be, Subhan Allah, rizq, food, for me. But what of the person who doesn’t have the sweetness of that thought? Who doesn’t have the slightest idea when her next morsel of food will arrive and where it will come from? What does she do? How does she endure?

It is infinitely easy to look at the pictures of starving children and think of them in the abstract. Think of them as “others” and not you. This month showed me a bare glimpse of their lives and left me beyond humbled, beyond thankful for what I have. And what I can do. When you strip away a person’s ego, the person becomes an animal ruled by instincts, chief among them hunger. When hunger is in the driving seat, the masses will do anything to sate it. Are hungry people easier to control? No. And yes. Promise them food and they’ll do anything. I know I would. It’s tempting to think of yourself as beyond such actions but honestly, sincerely, no one is immune to hunger.

Okay, I didn’t intend to write that but I did. Let’s move on to lighter fare.

Like reading.

This past week due to the aforementioned illness (a cold), I didn’t read much. I didn’t even feel like reading. I have been sipping bits of Nescio and he sustained me. I have read 288 books in all forms and genres over the course of the year and given that it is still July, albeit almost mid-July, I’m feeling fairy comfortable at the pace I’m reading. The next few weeks are going to be full of middle grade books because August is younger readers month at the book wars and I’m feeling middle grade a lot at this moment. I’m also going to go back to The Luminaries and give it another try. Someone did say it picks up at page 300 so I’ll slog on. I should be done in about 2 years. Hee. (Cepacol isn’t working at all. *hacks out a lung*)

I was going to continue but I abruptly ran out of steam so must end it here. Till later.

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9 thoughts on “A Ramble

  1. Wishing a recovery from the cold and a balm for the sleep. I’ve only experienced a period of insomnia once. I remember my Japanese teacher recommended a natural sleeping herb (which I can’t seem to recall right now) in addition to bananas and my friend gifted bags of lavender, a set of lavender infused lotions and a lavender pot plant. At first, I was perplexed by the influx of purple buds in my room. A sleepless experience I don’t like to revisit but I’m thankful for the lavender even if it did not really have much effect at the time. If there is no lavender, I hope there are random gifts in stories to comfort too =).

    When I decide to write something, I always end up writing something else. Maybe it’s just the way our brains work?

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    1. Ha, I can imagine you being all…”why is there so much purple….” in the morning. I think so too, I think that’s why writing freely can be so cathartic. You don’t know what you’re going to write about until you write about it but by the end you somehow feel unburdened.

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  2. I enjoy the in-depth insights people have whilst fasting. I had fasted for the first two weeks and then I had gone off on holidays, and (as I say like to say) was being a woman, and then for the last week I’e also been sick – thank you smoke. But I wish you all the best in your recovery. Inshallah you find sleep soon :)
    – Krys

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    1. Thank you. I did find sleep, it was glorious. I think the entire month is getting to all of us. Even my mom who is usually the most mellow person around seems like she’s barely hanging on but the month is done, almost, and we shall have survived it, insha Allah. I hope your Eid is fun and full of food.

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      1. Thank you, but I must put a disclaimer: I’m not a Muslim, so I took no priority in fasting. I managed the first 2 weeks and then I went on holiday, and I like I said previously “became a woman”, I had a running event and no way was I going to abstain from sustenance prior (even though I still managed to get sick). I still show my support and respect to the men and women who are fasting and I will be sending many a texts in a few days to “join in on” celebrating :)
        – Krys

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        1. Ah, thanks for the clarification. Still, I think it’s admirable that you did so when you didn’t have to. As for the celebrations, make sure you don’t just send texts but also eat some (a lot). :)

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